“You alright there, lightweight?”

 

Lindsey tried to flip Spike the bird but ended up doing something that vaguely resembled a bunny-rabbit shadow-puppet. “Fuck off! I can hold my lic…liqe…drink.”

 

Spike giggled inanely, taking another swig from his bottle of Jack and laughing harder as he dribbled it all over his chin.

 

Lindsey chuckled at him, listing slightly sideways on the couch. “Retard…” He made several attempts to drink from his own bottle of bourbon before realising that the cap was on.

 

As their guffaws trailed off, Spike slapped at Lindsey’s knee to try to get him to shut up and listen. “Shh! We should…heh…Schtop laughing! We should play…Did I just shay schtop? Er, say schtop? Oi, shut it!...As I was shaying…ha ha ha….we should play ‘I’ve Never’!”

 

“Yeah!” shouted Lindsey, punching the couch and nodding enthusiastically as if it was the best idea he’d ever heard in his life. As a wave of nausea hit and the room spun disconcertingly, he decided that he’d better stop nodding.

 

“Great! You sch…start.”

 

“Cool!...Uh…How do you play?”

 

Spike gave such an exaggerated eye roll that he actually moved his entire head, and by the time he’d finished he’d forgotten what he was annoyed about in the first place. He took a fortifying swallow of Jack until it came back to him. “Oh yeah, right. S’all very simple, yeah? We take it in turns to say something we’ve never done…and if the other one has done it, they have to stand up and drink.” He noticed Lindsey’s clumsy efforts to bring his bottle to his mouth and realised that the level of co-ordination required for rising from his seat may have deserted him. “Well, they have to drink anyway. And to make it more interesting, it’s gotta be something sexshual. Got it?”

 

“Got it,” Lindsey agreed. Damn, where did his drink go?! Oh, there it was…in his hand. HA HA HA.

 

“What are you laughing at?”

 

“Heh…Sneaky damned bottle...”

 

“Right…Maybe I’ll start then.” He patted Lindsey sloppily when the drunken git gave him a goofy smile. He was soooooo cute! And bugger, he must be even more pissed than he thought…“Okay…I’ve never…”

 

Lindsey looked at him expectantly as his forehead creased.

 

“I’ve never…” Bloody drink must be clouding his head. There must be something sexual he hadn’t done…? “Er…”

 

“Come on! I’m soberin’ up over here,” groused Lindsey, gesturing expansively…unfortunately with the hand still holding the bourbon. He blinked in surprise at the wet spots suddenly spreading on his and Spike’s jeans. “Is it rainin’…?”

 

“Prat…Er, look, my mind’s gone a total blank, right? You go first.”

 

“Sure. Okay, I’ve never…” He frowned. Something sexual that he’d never done…Huh. Oh, there was the…No, wait, he’d done that at Bernie Friedman’s frat party…Damned tequila…And what about…? Nope, he’d done that too once he’d found a site on the net that sold things like that for humans…Ah-hah! There was…Oh shit, he’d almost cracked a fuckin’ rib doing that last week…Huh.

 

“Cowboy?”

 

Inspiration hit him. “I’ve never been arrested for having sex in a moving vehicle.”

 

“Wot? Yes you have!”

 

“No, I haven’t!” he spluttered indignantly.

 

“Elevators move, don’t they?”

 

“Oh…”

 

“Think of another one.”

 

“I…I can’t think of one. It’s the drink’s fault,” he asserted.

 

“Yeah, nothing at all to do with you being a slut…”

 

“Hey! Didn’t notice you comin’ up with anything either…” he pointed out, making good and sure to actually point his finger for extra emphasis.

 

Spike opened and closed his mouth a couple of times and then took an angry pull of his drink, scowling. “This is ridiculous.”

 

Minutes ticked by in thoughtful silence.

 

“There’s probably some Kama Sutra positions I ain’t tried yet,” offered Lindsey.

 

“Well, do you happen to have a Kama Sutra handy so we can look ‘em up?” asked Spike sarcastically, although a small part of him wouldn’t be that surprised if the brunet produced one from his back pocket.

 

“No,” sighed Lindsey wistfully, trying to raise his bottle to his lips again, only to discover that it had swapped into his other hand. Whoah.

 

“I’ve only ever done priest!kink once,” he continued, shivering slightly. Taking trips down memory lane with Angel could be a really bad idea.

 

The vampire glared at him. “It’s not called ‘I’ve Barely Ever’, is it? Ponce.” He shifted uncomfortably. All his attempts to think about something he hadn’t done sexually had brought a plethora of images of things he had done to his mind and he was getting hard.

 

“Oooh, I’ve thought of somethin’!” shouted Lindsey, beaming proudly.

 

“Wot?” asked Spike eagerly.

 

The Texan suddenly frowned, lowering his eyes. “You’re gonna laugh.”

 

“No, I’m not,” he countered. “Probably,” he grudgingly amended.

 

“You will,” pouted Lindsey.

 

He looked so adorable with his thick lashes dusting his alcohol-flushed cheeks that Spike smiled indulgently and nudged his arm. “Come on, don’t keep a bloke in suspense.”

 

Apparently, he’d “nudged” Lindsey a little harder than he’d realised in his dulled state because the poor human let out a whoosh of air and almost tumbled off the end of the couch. Spike speedily rescued the bourbon and then made a perfunctory grab at Lindsey to steady him as well once the alcohol was safe. “Sorry, pet.”

 

“It’s fine…really…” coughed Lindsey huskily, fumbling his bottle back. He took a sip before he’d sufficiently recovered and ended up spraying it all over the vampire.

 

“Delightful,” muttered Spike, wiping his face against Lindsey’s shoulder. “Now, wot did you come up with?”

 

“Huh? Oh…” He blushed slightly with a little smile. “I’ve never done ‘69’ with another guy.”

 

Spike blinked at him.

 

As the silence stretched out, Lindsey began to feel affronted and defensive. He poked Spike exaggeratedly in the ribs. “No need to look that damned surprised…”

 

“S’not you, luv,” he assured. “It’s just…Thinking about it, I’ve never done that either…”

 

Lindsey blinked at him.

 

Spike rolled his eyes and poured some Jack into his mouth, hacking and spluttering as a slight misjudgement sent burning liquid searing down the wrong way and heading for his lungs. When he finally recovered, Lindsey was still staring at him. “Yeah, no need to look that damned surprised,” he mimicked crossly.

 

“To be fair, you do have like a thousand years on me…” giggled Lindsey.

 

“Oi! Barely a hundred, ta very much…And Angelus was never real big on the reciprocal action. Plus it prob’ly works better with someone more the same height…”

 

He looked over at Lindsey as he trailed off. The human’s eyes were glazed, but that was most likely from drink rather than lust; however, he was running his gaze over Spike, lingering in the perky crotch area. Amused, the blond waited until Lindsey finally remembered where his face was and looked back up.

 

Smiles spread over both their faces as they regarded one another.

 

“So…there’s somethin’ that neither of us has done…”

 

“Yeah, wonders’ll never cease,” agreed Spike. “Tell me, cowboy…Think you’re capable of getting it up in your current state?”

 

Lindsey’s mouth hung open in outrage. “I’m drunk, not dead!” he huffed indignantly.

 

Chuckling, Spike put down his Jack and managed to wrestle the bourbon out of Lindsey’s sticky little mitts. “C’mere, pet,” he purred, taking hold of the man’s wrist with one hand and sliding the other up to tangle in his hair.

 

The kiss was wet and sloppy, but what they currently lacked in finesse they more than made up for with enthusiasm. Spike hauled Lindsey into his lap and within seconds they were groping messily beneath one another’s clothing as their tongues twisted together. They panted harshly, Lindsey barely able to breathe through their combined alcohol fumes.

 

Spike ripped Lindsey’s shirt off, sending at least half the buttons flying in the process. As the human ground against him, he could feel that getting an erection certainly hadn’t been a problem for Lindsey; he personally thought that actually doing anything with it might be more of an issue, but whether the brunet was able to come or not really didn’t concern him very much. He knew he still could.

 

Pulling back to whip his own tee-shirt off, accidentally smacking Lindsey in the face as he did so, Spike wasted very little time in wrapping his arms back around the kid so that their skin rubbed together. The blond pushed his face against Lindsey’s neck, lapping and nuzzling at his pulse point, as he slid one hand down the back of his jeans and cupped his crotch with the other.

 

“Fuck!” gasped Lindsey, trying to buck into Spike’s hand and discovering that the motion required a little more balance and judgement than he currently possessed. They both shouted as their heads cracked together.

 

“Right,” growled Spike irritably. “Let’s just lie you down on the couch where you can’t do any damage, yeah? Drunken fool…”

 

Lindsey was about to defend himself or protest…or potentially pass out for a moment…but then he was suddenly flat on his back and his fly was open and that seemed to obliterate all other concerns.

 

He moaned loudly as Spike started to suck him, blinking stupidly as his vision was filled with black. Was he falling unconscious? Oh no, that was Spike’s crotch. Heh. He reached up and began to paw at it, wondering why on earth the blond had purchased jeans that didn’t appear to have any fastenings…How dumb was that? His attempts to concentrate on finding a way in were not helped by the cool mouth swallowing him whole.

 

Spike frowned crossly as he realised that his stellar efforts were not really being reciprocated; clearly the kid was having a few cock-to-mouth issues…Bloody hell…Did he have to do everything round here? He’d already found them a nice, safe perch on the sofa, where all Lindsey had to do was lie there and suck dick. Was that really so much to ask?

 

Unfortunately, Spike had underestimated the exaggerated movements that their enthusiasm would prompt them to…and overestimated his own control over his motor skills. As Lindsey gave a particularly erratic thrust, and Spike reached down to try to wrestle his cock free to shove into the human’s mouth, their situation became somewhat precarious.

 

The vampire squawked as he teetered on the edge of the couch, flinging a hand out to try to grab anything to use as an anchor. Lindsey hadn’t noticed their predicament and tried to embed himself back in Spike’s throat, allowing gravity to gleefully claim its natural rights.

 

They both swore as they went down and Lindsey discovered as he hit the deck that the room had turned into a merry-go-round. Raising his face from Spike’s crotch with some difficulty, he looked up, trying to understand why his usually-vocal partner had gone silent.

 

“Spike?”

 

After a few seconds of almost comical confusion, Lindsey realised that the blond had smacked his head against the coffee table on the way down and knocked himself out.

 

Although slightly irritated that his blowjob was thus stymied, Lindsey couldn’t help but notice that it was the funniest thing that had ever happened to anyone in the history of the world ever, and proceeded to laugh hysterically until he thought he might be in danger of wetting himself. He was still giving little gurgling chuckles as he finally passed out on the carpet.

 

When Spike came round about ten minutes later, scowling at the table and threatening it with being reduced to kindling, he discovered that Lindsey was sleeping the sleep of the completely sozzled, snoring noisily and proving entirely resistant to all shaking, name-calling and even not-so-gentle kneeing in the head.

 

“Bollocks…” muttered Spike, finally giving in and allowing the alcohol-coma to claim him too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Lindsey blinked, squinting against the morning light and wondering which joker had installed a pneumatic drill in his skull. He groaned loudly and squeezed his eyes shut again.

 

His sound of pain and dismay was met with a laugh, which rapidly descended into an unhealthy sounding cough. “Ugh. Bloody Jack…”

 

“Spike?”

 

“Yeah, cowboy?”

 

“I’m on the floor.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“My head hurts.”

 

“Not surprised.”

 

“And I think a ferret crawled into my mouth and died.”

 

“Gross.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Spike looked across at the slightly green-tinged human. He didn’t feel great himself, but vampire constitution worked wonders on hangovers. “Hey, Linds?”

 

“Ngh?” he grunted.

 

“You know what’s real good for takin’ away dead-ferret taste?”

 

“What?”

 

“Sucking cock.”

 

Lindsey laughed, wincing at the pain it caused. “You gotta be yankin’ my chain, babe…”

 

Spike reached forwards and slowly began to work Lindsey’s dick, which was helpfully still hanging out of his jeans. Despite its owner’s aching head, it immediately filled perkily, straining towards Spike and begging for attention. The vampire licked the tip, smiling when Lindsey moaned and pumped his hips forwards. “Come on, lover. You do understand why it’s called ‘69’, right?”

 

Lindsey chuckled and reached inside Spike’s Levis (which had miraculously developed a zipper during the night), pulling out his already-hard cock. “Spike…Can you shuffle forwards? I really can’t move.”

 

Rolling his eyes and soon wishing he hadn’t as the room listed, Spike complied, hoping that Lindsey’s gag reflex was gonna stand up to the assault.

 

It didn’t take long. Both working skilfully despite the difficult angle, bringing their hands into play too and groaning around one another’s shafts, they sucked each other to completion, holding hips tight as their orgasms claimed them.

 

As Lindsey lay on his back in the aftermath, panting and trying to recover, Spike shifted around and crawled up his body, kissing his bare stomach, chest and neck.

 

“Sneaky little git,” he whispered, stroking his hair.

 

“What?” grinned Lindsey, eyes still closed. He blindly fumbled a hand up to cup Spike’s cheek, sliding the other over his back.

 

“You lied. You have done that before.”

 

“Not many times! Almost never…” he smirked. “Anyway, so have you.”

 

“Once or twice…”

 

“See! You’re just as bad.”

 

“But I’ve got like a thousand years on you…” teased Spike.

 

“Barely a century, actually…” he returned, opening his eyes and staring into deep blue as he carded his hand through blond hair.

 

“You’re still a cheat. And a drunkard,” smiled Spike softly.

 

“I know; I’m beyond saving. Can you still love me?”

 

“If you keep giving head like that? Yeah, I think so…”

 

They both laughed. Spike leaned in for a kiss, but they turned their heads away from one another at the last moment, grimacing.

 

“Jesus Christ…”

 

“Toothpaste?”

 

“Industrial strength bleach, more like.”

 

“Okay…Where do you keep your hair products again…?”

 

“Fuck you, Texas.”

 

“Sure babe. But do you mind cleaning your teeth first…?”

 

Spike growled playfully, letting his eyes flash yellow. “I’ve never…taped my boyfriend’s mouth shut and spanked him with a hairbrush.”

 

Lindsey bit his lip to keep back a giggle, raising his eyebrow sceptically.

 

“Alright…Almost never.”

 

 

 

THE END.